How can you truly help an alcoholic recover? Narcologist psychiatrist says

Olga Maiboroda, psychiatrist-narcologist of the MINSK City Clinical Center for Psychiatry and Psychotherapy, learned how to distinguish sincere care from codependence and help an alcoholic recover.

Family - "screen" for an alcoholic

How do you know if a relationship is codependent? The most accurate marker is the development of a painful emotional and even physical attachment to a partner. In such pairs, one by his behavior supports the self-destruction of the other. Almost every third family where an alcoholic lives faces this phenomenon. Most often, the wives of drinking men become co-dependent. They readily rush to help the unlucky spouse, but unconsciously do everything possible so that he does not recover. Why?

- Созависимые жены приспосабливаются к алкоголику, не замечая, что постепенно утрачивают свою значимость и достоинство. Вся жизнь семьи начинает вращаться вокруг пьющего, а тот с легкостью перекладывает бремя ответственности за все на близких. Болезнь при этом прогрессирует, - объясняет Ольга Майборода. - Родные устраняют все проблемы алкоголика и оправдывают его в глазах посторонних.

The family creates a "screen" for the outside world: it endures the antics of an alcoholic, sometimes gives money for ALCOHOL, "pulls" it out of the police, pays debts and fully supports it, while assuring friends that "everything is in order" and "things went smoothly" . Of course, no one, including the drinker, turns to a specialist - because otherwise someone may find out that the family is in trouble. Dependence on someone else's opinion makes the family pretend that everything is fine. And at this time, the disease kills a loved one.

Who is the victim here?

Alcoholics have a strong desire to be constantly looked after and controlled. As soon as the partner begins to do this, the addict becomes irresponsible and unable to do anything himself. The husband of an alcoholic tolerates his drunken antics, deeds and scandals. Why? The fact is that he blames himself for the drunkenness of his partner, and self-esteem by this time is noticeably falling.

“A codependent person begins to ignore his needs, loses control over his life,” the DOCTOR clarifies. - Often falls into depression, he has suicidal or obsessive thoughts, apathy and constant anxiety, excessive tearfulness. Codependent often instead of the pronouns "he", "him", "I" says "we" and "us", generalizing himself with an alcoholic. The partner himself can violently quarrel with the drinker, threaten, defiantly pour out alcohol, teach, but when someone else starts doing the same, he defends the "poor fellow". The family most often voluntarily isolates itself from society.

The co-dependent begins to feel sorry for himself and tell others how hard it is for him to live with an alcoholic. However, if he is advised, for example, to get a divorce, he will not even develop this topic, sighing "who needs him" or "he will be lost without me." It seems to the relatives that sooner or later the unlucky relative will appreciate the help and finally decide to give up alcohol. However, continuing to act according to the old scheme, they only indulge in the use of alcohol.

In the "Karpman triangle"

In social psychology, there is a model of relationships between people, which is called the "Karpman triangle". It distinguishes the roles: "savior", "persecutor" and "victim". Codependent periodically happens in each of them.

- In the state of "victim" he enjoys the sympathy of people who play the role of "vest", - says Olga Maiboroda. - The "Pursuer" is obsessed with the idea of ​​curing an alcoholic, and achieves this through intimidation, threats or manipulation. The "Savior" provides real help, but in minimal doses - this is how the alcoholic continues to be dependent on him, and the illusion of "pulling out of trouble" is created for everyone, including the co-dependent.

Such a picture speaks of the need to treat all family members, the specialist is sure. After all, addiction is a serious disease. But if an alcoholic needs the help of a narcologist, then his partner needs a psychotherapist. And for both of them - a psychological consultation on building relationships and adjusting behavior patterns.

First off, stop beating yourself up.

Treatment for codependency, like ALCOHOLISM, begins with a confession: I am sick. Only after that you can start therapy - classes with a psychologist individually and as part of a group of the same patients. As a result, a person will see his life from the outside, learn not to run away from external and internal problems, but to look for ways to solve them.

Alcoholics tend to blame their loved ones for drinking and constantly blame them for dislike and inattention. Such complaints cause a feeling of guilt, on the basis of which codependency flourishes. Therefore, the expert recommends that you first stop reproaching yourself.

- If you are really interested in helping an alcoholic, do not believe his promises to stop drinking. His illness requires the help of a narcologist. Do not try to cure a person with folk and other methods yourself. If you are afraid of publicity, discuss with a specialist the possibility of anonymous therapy, explains Olga Mayboroda.

It makes no sense to hide money from an alcoholic or pour out alcohol. This will only lead to the fact that he will begin to subtly deceive and withhold part of the salary.

- Often co-dependents announce to the drinker: there is nothing to hide, if you already drink alcohol , then at home, under control. So even more comfortable conditions are created for the patient, - says the specialist.

Don't make excuses for an alcoholic

She advises not to justify the unseemly actions of an alcoholic with an inadequate state and not to forgive him for cruel behavior. The problems that arise as a result of drinking, a person must solve for himself. And his loved ones during therapy - to become self-sufficient.

- It is a self-confident person that a former addict needs. He simply will not give a chance to return to the old way of life, - Olga Maiboroda sums up.

Like alcoholism, codependency needs to be recognized by the patient before it can be cured.

| Elena NIKOLAEVA, newspaper "7 days", photo from open Internet sources.

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